


Stuck in My Secrets, Tied in My Lies

by paintingtheworldgray



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bullying, Cutting, Homosexual slurs, M/M, Mean Louis, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, beating up, burnin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-10
Updated: 2013-02-10
Packaged: 2017-11-28 19:20:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/677994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paintingtheworldgray/pseuds/paintingtheworldgray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles life is a living hell. The young lad feels as he has nothing in to live for, not his best mates, not his mum, nothing. Nothing at all and it is one person’s fault, one person made his life this way, Louis Tomlinson. Will a weekend trapped in a locker room change life for Harry or will it be the final shove he needs to off himself completely? Will secrets be told? Will people own up to their lies? Or are they stuck in their secrets and tied in their lies? (Larry Stylinson, BoyxBoy, it’s rather sad too…just warning)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stuck in My Secrets, Tied in My Lies

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by: Emotionaly_Unstable
> 
> WARNING- this story contain the following: homophobic slurs, bully of all kinds, peer pressure of the highest form, cutting, substance abuse, anorexia, mean Louis, suicide, depression and death. If you proceed to read this, know that I am here for you; I am always down to listen about your crappy or wonderful life, seeing as I do not have one of my own.

Stuck in My Secrets, Tied in My Lies  
_______________________   
Harry’s P.O.V  
_______________________ 

Have you ever hated something before, whether it be a dog that bit you or a type of food? The point is that you know what it is like to hate something, the tight coil in the pit of your stomach that appears when you are in sight or hearing distance of the thing you dislike and no matter how hard you try, you can never get away from the thing you hate. Because what you hate, so many other people love, it’ll always be there like a scar or a bad memory. Has the thing you hate ever made you hate yourself, make you want to kill yourself or just disappear? Does the thing you hate the most attend your school, is it in all of your classes or do you see it in the hallway? Does the thing you hate torment you, push you into lockers or physically beat you within an inch of your life, all because you are gay? Have you tried to kill yourself because of the thing you hate? Does the thing you hate, hate you back? Does the thing you hate want you to kill yourself? Up until college, I have never hated anything, I thought life was too short for such a petty feeling as hate but I was wrong. Sometimes, in life you just have to feel hatred, no matter how much you don’t want to. It doesn’t mean hatred has to root itself inside of you, make a nest and live there, you can break free at anytime but that is only in some cases. Sometimes, the hatred you are forced to feel, doesn’t just root and nest, it reproduces and multiples. By the time you die, you are just filled with hatred: it’s all you can see, breathe, hear, taste, touch; the hatred that was thrust upon you. Given to you by that one thing, the thing you thought was perfect, the thing you thought had everything handed to it on a silver platter. But no matter what that thing wanted or was given to it, it just wanted it to ruin your life, wanted it to make you hate yourself more than anything else in the world. The thing with perfect hair and teeth, with friends that stick by its side, no matter if they believe beating you is really the solution. The thing that only sought you out because you were proud of yourself, because you wanted people to know the real you, because you were looking for happiness but that thing didn’t care. You wanted to be out, you wanted to find a boyfriend, you wanted to know what it felt like to be held by someone other than your mum. The worse part, the part that makes you throw up all the time and feel even more disgusted with yourself, is that you are madly in love with the thing you hate; no matter how weird that sounds. Or maybe, maybe this is all just for me, who else could fall in love with someone that likes to hurt them? I wasn’t always this way, I wasn’t always this confused but it’s all Louis Tomlinson’s fault, he ruined me. He not only turned against me when I came out as gay (even though we had been best friends since I moved in next door to him when I was five), he turned almost the whole school against me, made everyone hate me for a stupid reason. Louis was the first to ever tell me ‘Go kill yourself, you fucking faggot’ but he wasn’t the last person, everyone says is now to me because of Louis Tomlinson. Sometimes I daydream about killing myself: what it would feel like to finally be free of Louis; how people would feel; what the after life was like. I don’t think many people would…

“Harry, I’ve been talking to your for the last ten minutes, how dare you ignore me as if I wasn’t the most important person in your life.” One of the two friends I have sassed at me, Nick Grimshaw was his name and he was as gay as I was but no one ever messes with him, it’s because he is not Harry Styles. Grimmy as I like to call him began to retell me about the latest gossip, even though he knew I couldn’t give a rat’s arse. We were sitting outside of the school on the lawn, waiting for Liam to get here because he was running late today (usually he was there a good ten/twenty minutes before Grimmers and I). Liam was my other friend, he was slightly nerdy with the serious way he thinks of school but he works out all the other time he is not studying, in short he is really muscular and is thinking of trying out for rugby (not that he knows a thing about the sport, just the rugby jocks keep coming up to him and asking him to try out). Grimmy and Liam were all I had, they kept me from completely falling apart, they keep me grounded. Right when Grimmy was telling me about some random bird being pregnant, I felt a sharp pain erupt from my kidney area and I doubled over, wheezing for breath. When I was able to breath without having my teeth clenched, I rolled over to see Louis Tomlinson standing over me, his three cronies right behind him. See, Louis might be popular but he only has three real friends: Niall Horan, a blonde Irish lad, who wasn’t to fond of the way Louis treated me (but he never stood up or said anything); Zayn Malik, he is quite a scary lad by him, with the tattoos and the fag he always keeps tucked behind his ear; last but not least is, Stanley Lucas, who thought Louis kicking the shit out of me was the funniest thing he had ever seen. The three lads helped in making my life shit, even Niall because he never tried to stop Louis but I didn’t hate any of them, just Louis. I watched as Grimmy stood up and shoved Louis, before helping me up and putting me behind his back, trying to protect me from Louis. Grimmy was always trying to protect me, trying to make me realize that he loved me. 

“Grimshaw, I don’t think you should be getting into this, you are a faggot too.” Louis seethed out as he tried to get around Nick to get to me; Grimmy stood his ground though, not allowing Louis to get to me. We heard someone come running up to our group, screaming that a teacher was coming, which made Louis and his group leave us alone. Grimmy turned to face me, checking in my eyes to see if I was okay or not as Liam came up to us, making me realize he was the one who screamed. Liam quickly lifted up my shirt and checked my back, groaning from what I guessed was the bruise already forming around my kidney, where Louis had kicked me. I shrugged out of both of their holds, grabbing my bag from the ground and straightening my school shirt, before I walked into the school and headed towards my locker. I thought about how my life got to this point, the point where I get beaten up all the time and when I don’t get beat up, I hurt myself. I started that a year ago, the cutting and burning, I started it when Louis beat me within an inch of my life. I decided if Louis could hate me so much, there must have been something completely wrong with me, so I should hate myself too or that’s my philosophy anyway. Louis had beaten me and told me that I should cut myself, so I did, that’s how it started really. To think I am in love with someone, who made me hurt myself for the first time, someone who made me want to kill myself everyday.

At the beginning of lunch, I snuck off to the bathroom and folded my entire body on the toilet seat, sliding up my school shirt sleeves and staring at the scars that were there. I couldn’t cut my arms at school because it would bleed through my white school shirt, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t. Instead I pulled out a tiny BIC lighter, flicking it to make it light, waiting for it to hit up the metal part of the lighter. After about a minute, I let go of the tab and quickly pressed the metal to my bare wrist, hissing at the feeling. Pulling it off was the rough part because it had melted my skin, burned it badly as blisters started to form, it was a C shaped blister. I repeat the process three times, before heading out of the stall and to the sink, rinsing my wrist with cold water to make the burns worse. I rolled my sleeves back down and button up the ends of them, grabbing my messenger bag and I walked out of the bathroom, going to the lunch where I should have been this entire time. I took my seat with Grimmy and Liam, before pulling out my lunch, which consisted of three stalks of celery; add eating problems to my list of self harm. “Do you still have last period with Louis, Harry? You need to be careful, love; you shouldn’t get hit again today if you can.” Liam told me in his mothering way, Liam likes to think of himself as my school parent, someone who was to guide me through school like a parent guides their child through life. Liam Payne was good at being loving, he was like a puppy that way, wanting to love everything he comes in contact with but it’s not always a good thing. A lot of people take Liam for granite, walking all over him like a welcome rug outside of a house and he just let's them, let’s everyone use him. You know how every epic hero has a fatal flaw that one thing that causes their down fall? Liam’s fatal flaw was being to loving, being too caring, being too giving, it’s what’s going to cause his down fall. 

I had gotten through the rest of the day without attracting Louis to me again or so I thought, until I was at my locker, emptying all the books I didn’t need to take home with me. I made sure I was the last one to leave the classroom; I made sure most of the students had left before I ventured into the hallway, thinking it was safe but it wasn’t. “You thought you could get away with your afternoon beating, by being the last one in the hallway. Tsk, Harold, I expected more from you than that! Now, no one is here to see your pain, what a shame really, eh? Hey, where are you running too?” I took off down the hallway, heading towards the locker room in a fast haste, usually if the coach was still in he left the outside door unlocked. I busted into the locker room, avoiding all the benches as I headed towards the door that lead outside, only to hit it full force and realizing that yes, it was locked. I turned around and dropped my bag at the sight of Louis standing there, smirking evilly at me. He stalked towards me, taking carefully places steps as if he had already planned how this was going to work out, which he probably did. Louis raised his fist and punched me square in the stomach; I bent myself over and wrapped my arms around my tummy, trying to protect it from his onslaught of punches. I tried to stay as quiet and still as I could, thinking the sooner this was over, the sooner I could go home for a weekend spent healing. Louis continued his punching until I fell into a heap on the floor, whimpering through my clenched teeth as I rolled around in pain. I barely heard Louis’s evil cackle, before his foot steps got farther away, then I heard him curse loudly and a banging sound. “Hey! Can anyone hear me? There is someone in the locker room, hello! Jesus fucking Christ.” I heard a few more bangs, before foot steps started towards me again as I began to panic, thinking Louis was coming back to beat me more. I rolled towards where I heard the foot steps stop and opened my eyes to see Louis sitting on the floor close to me. “We’re locked in, the janitor must have assumed there was no one in here, so we are stuck until Monday morning or until someone notices we’re missing.”

“You’re not going to beat me up the entire time are you? My body wouldn’t be able to handle it, I don’t want to die this way.” I practically sobbed at Louis, curling myself into the fetal position, hoping Louis had a heart in his chest. I watched as Louis just stared at me, his head cocked to the side in confusion as I continued to sob, I was scared for my life. Louis didn’t move towards me though; just continue to sit where he was, never once moving towards me. About an hour later, I slowly moved out of the fetal position, trusting Louis wouldn’t move to hurt me. My stomach was killing me, not just from Louis’s punches but also, from the emptiness and I was starting to feel faint. “I…I need something to eat or I am going to pass out.” Louis nodded his head, getting up and walking to a random locker, where he put the combination into it and pulled out a gym bag. He walked slowly towards me, sitting down a foot in front of me, placing the gym bag in between us as he slowly unzipped it. 

“Niall never uses his gym locker for his clothes or anything; he keeps a bunch of snacks in it because he gets super hungry when he works out.” Louis dumped the contents of the bag: energy bars; granola bars; bags of crisps; candy bars and peanut butter crackers, all fell onto the floor, covering the whole foot in between us. Louis grabbed a Whispa candy bar and started munching on it, while watching me as I read the back of the granola bar, reading the amount of calories I was about to digest. A hundred calories for a chocolate chip granola bar, when the three stalks of celery I ate today equaled up to about 10 calories, this was ten times the amount I usually ate. I wasn’t sure how my stomach was going to handle the food, so I ate it slowly, allowing my stomach time to adjust. Louis watched me with his head cocked to the side again as he ate another Whispa bar, which I knew had 210 calories just in one candy bar, I mentally shook my head at the sight. I couldn’t eat candy bars anymore, I was too fat as it was when I hardly at anything, there was no way I could handle a candy bar. Today’s lunch was the first time I had eaten in three days and I only ate because I felt like I was going to pass out, obviously the celery didn’t help at all because of the run I took to try and avoid Louis. When I finished the granola bar, I leaned back against a wall and taking deep breaths, hoping it would calm my stomach cramps. “All you’re going to eat is a granola bar? I thought you said you were hungry, a granola bar could not fill you up, especially since all you ate for lunch was three stalks of celery.” I raised an eyebrow at Louis, how did he know what I ate for lunch today, why was he watching me?

“I don’t eat much, if I eat a lot I will get fat and people will like me even less than they do now, it’s not a big deal.” I watched as a look crossed Louis face, it looked like sadness but I was unsure before he asked me if I was anorexic. “I wouldn’t say that, I just don’t eat for days and when I do eat, I eat things with little to no calories in it, so I will not gain weight.” I shrugged my shoulders at Louis; I never denied any of my problems when someone asked me, I liked to think of it as I was being brave but in reality, I wanted someone to save me. I wanted someone to tell me to stop; I wanted them to tell me that I was special, that I had something to live for. Liam and Nick knew, they tried to get me to stop but they were my friends, they were supposed to love me. I watched as my bully/crush let an animalistic sound as he began to sob, pulling his knees up to his chest as he wept loudly into them, snot running out of his nose but he was still attractive. “Uhm, L-Louis, what’s wrong? Louis? Are you okay?”

“Please, pretty pl-please tell me that you had this problem before I started picking on you. Please. Please, Harry.” Louis looked up from his knees, his eyes pleading with me, begging me to tell him the lie but I couldn’t, I do not lie. 

“I can’t do that Louis, it would be a lie and I do not lie, ever. I…I starve myself, hoping one day, I will be perfect and you’ll stop hurting me for no reason. I cut and burn myself, hoping that you will see that I am trying to kill myself, just like you tell me all the time. I…I never thought of cutting until you told me to, that first time you b-beat me up and you sa-said, ‘Now go home and cut yourself, you faggot, no one wants you around anyway’. I went home, g-googled cutting, h-how to do it; it was the first night/time, whatever.” I was close to tears, what if this was all a ploy, to hear me say I hurt myself, then he was going to use it as another way to bully me. I was scared but when I heard another sob break through Louis’s mouth, I was just intrigued. What was hurting the unbreakable so much, what was causing him so much pain, why was he sobbing uncontrollably? I slowly and painfully crawled towards Louis, placing my hand on his back and rubbing circles on it, I never could stand to see someone cry (it’s ironic, seeing as a lot of people watch me cry all the time, after Louis beats me). 

“Harry…I…I have something I need to tell, something that needs to be said since we’re alone here….I just, promise not you won't freak out once I tell you, you have to promise to stay calm.” I told Louis that I would try and stay calm, though to be honest I was already freaking out a little; he had to tell me something important. Was he pregnant?! Oh…Wait, he’s a guy, he can’t get pregnant…I really need to stop reading so many boyxboy stories online; they were turning my brain to mush. “I’m gay.” I mean…whaaaaa? Homophobic bully says what now? “I’ve been gay for a long time, probably longer than you, since I am a year older and everything, but right when I was going to tell everyone…They started saying homosexual slurs, calling people poufs and such, I couldn't go through with it. I became this empty shell of a person, who beats up on someone, who used to be his friend. I am so sorry, Harry, you have no idea how sorry I am.” Louis was still crying, only now he was looking at me to see my reaction but honestly, I didn’t know what to feel. I feel like the last year of my life had been a complete lie, how could Louis beat up someone, who was just like him. I couldn’t wrap my head around what Louis just told me to be honest, so many things kept flashing in my mind, images of Louis beating me or taunting me or shoving or all the terrible things he has ever said. “Ha-harry?” I pulled myself away from Louis, flopping completely on the floor on my back, staring at the ceiling. 

“It’s okay, Louis…Well, I mean it’s not okay but you shouldn’t be distraught about it, it’s what you did, you can’t take any of it back.” I felt Louis lie beside me and I heard his breath, I liked this soft Louis, it was the Louis I grew up with. I first moved to Doncaster when I was five and Louis was six, I moved into the house next to his and we were both so happy. Louis was excited about having a boy close to his age for a playmate, I was excited about having a best friend that would be like an older brother, unlike the older sister I had. Louis was everything a little boy could ask for in a friend: he was energetic; he was easily excited; he was adventurous; he was creative and he was cuddly, I was so happy to have moved next to him. When I was eight and Louis was nine, my step-father built me a tree house in the garden, it wasn’t glamorous or anything but we were happy to have it. We had been playing in it one day, when I tripped and started to fall through the hole that was the exit, Louis grabbed onto me and flipped us as we fell, so I landed on top of him. Louis ended up with a broken arm and I was perfectly fine, just completely scared out of my mind, Louis had saved me from some serious damage. The Louis I once knew, he was my protector, my best friend, I wanted to grow up to be just like him. The Louis I was with right now; was close to my Louis, he was allowing himself to feel emotions, he was feeling remorseful for putting me through a lot of crap. 

“The other day, I watched as Robin took down that old tree house, I punched you twice as hard that day because I felt like you were throwing away us.” I wanted to tell a Louis that there never was an us, you constantly lose and gain friends, very few friends are permanent. I wonder if there was a reason behind all of the other punches or if this was a one time thing because he was sad, but I didn’t really want to know his answer. “I’m jealous of you, Harry; sometimes I lay in bed and think about just how jealous I am.” I rolled my eyes, even though he couldn’t see them, what was he jealous of? Getting beaten up all the time? Having people hate you for something you cannot control? “Even though I make your life a living hell, you are still yourself; you don’t let it affect the way you live.” He was wrong, so very wrong, about everything. I don’t date ever; I hook up in pubs and bars, that’s it. I don’t want a relationship because then they find out about my problems, it’s not healthy for a relationship, plus I didn’t want anything permanent. I don’t want anything that would hold me back if I ever decided to kill myself, then I would have to think twice as hard for an easy decision. 

“Do you ever wonder what it would be like, if you died? Like what your family would do or how they would deal with it? How your friends or other people would react? Would anyone remember you in ten years? Twenty?” I asked Louis an hour after he told me he was jealous of me, we were still in the same position, just staring at the ceiling. “Sometimes, I do, I think about it all, just thinking. My mum and sister would take it hard, thinking they could have done something, anything to prevent it from happening. My mum would be an emotional wreck as she planned the funeral and invited people to it, but I think she could move on in a while, I would want her too. Liam and Nick would be upset because they know everything I’ve been going through, they know about the cutting and the burning, but they don’t think I would take it as far as killing myself…I think they would be mad at me, they’d wonder why I couldn’t have talked to someone, yano?” Louis didn’t say anything and as I turned to look at him, I found he was asleep and I decided I might as well get some sleep in too. 

The next day started with Louis forcing me to eat, which caused me the throw up and he felt bad, but it wasn’t a terrible beginning. Louis was being gentle with me and paying attention to me, I liked this way more than I should, this added a whole new tier to me liking Louis. I was currently taking a shower, washing off the dirt from sleeping on the floor, when I realized I didn’t have any clothes, unless I put on my dirty ones. I turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist, before I walked out and walking to my gym locker. Pulling on a pair of boxer, I always had extra of those because you never know when you might need a clean pair, gasping as I felt a hand on my stomach. Louis pressed his stomach to my back, pressing himself tightly to me as he ran his hand all over my stomach, something I usually didn’t like. “God, why the hell are you so attractive, Harry? It’s not fair that you turn me on so much without doing anything, it’s not fair at all.” Louis purred into my ear, licking at the shell of it and I felt my knees buckle, what was he doing? Was he turning me on to make fun of me? What was this? “I want you, Harry, can I have you, babe?” Who would say no to the love of their life asking to have sex with them? This could be the turning point for Louis and I, this could get us together, I was not going to say no, so I nodded my head. Louis lead me over to one of the benches, bending me over as he worked my boxers down my legs, I felt as he kissed my boney spine once. I felt as one of his fingers wiggled their way into me, where he found lube I had no clue but his finger went in very easily as he began to move it in and out, I groaned happily. Soon, Louis had three fingers thrusting in and out of me; I was groaning and moaning like a porn star. I was so happy at this moment, to Louis in this way; it was like a miracle to me. Louis pulled his fingers out and I whimpered at the loss, until I felt something way larger than a finger, nudging at my entrance. He slowly pushed his penis into me as I arched my back in pleasure, when he was fully sheathed inside of me; he began thrusting at a wild pace. “Oh God, Harry, your so tight.” Louis moaned into my ear, which made me gasp loudly and whimper, he couldn’t just say things like that. Soon, I was cumming on the bench I was leaning against and Louis was cumming inside of me, both of us panting loudly. Once we were detached, I showered again, only this time Louis was with me. He kissed my neck and washed my back, this was something I had dreamed about, this was something I had always wanted.

Louis and I had sex one more time before we went to bed that night, the next morning the janitor came in with our mother, rescuing us from our prison. My mum kissed my hair as she hugged me, she had been so worried about me, Louis' mother kissed his forehead. As I was walking about of the building with my mother, I wondered about what was to become of Louis and me; surely he couldn’t go back to beating me, since we shared something special. I got home and I showered, changed my clothes and crawled into bed, having done my homework sometime the day before. I was excited to go to school on Monday, excited to see what Louis would do, would he announce his undying love for me? Would he ask me to be his boyfriend because I would say yes in an instant, even if we were only to be secret boyfriends? When Nick saw me, he wrapped his arms around me and pressed kisses to my forehead, then he started to talk to me. He told me that it was Liam and him, who were worried about my disappearance, especially when my mother called them to ask where I was. In the middle of Nick explanation, I was ripped from his arms and thrown onto the ground; I looked up to see Louis. I was sure he could see the look of hurt in my eyes as he began to kick me, he didn’t just kick me once but he kicked me until his shoe broke my skin and I started to bleed. “You think a weekend locked together, would change the way I felt about you, faggot?” I heard a laugh erupt from his mouth, the same mouth that had kissed me all over two days before, his friends joining in on his laughter. Why hadn’t I seen this coming? I should have known Louis didn’t care about me, hell; he probably never cared about me. I watched as Louis and his friends walked away, before I pulled myself up and left school, left a screaming Nick behind me as I limped back to my house. Once inside my house I ran up to my bedroom, shutting my door and pulling off my shirt, before I screamed. As I screamed, I punched the mirror I had hanging on my wall, watching as it shattered. I put myself in the middle of all the glass, picking up a piece of the glass and pushed it into my skin, I followed my vein. I had never cut up and down before because you had a chance of hitting a vein and bleeding out, but I wanted to bleed out until I was done, I had nothing to live for anymore. I cut my other arm, opening up the vein and watching the blood drip down my hands. I stood up, feeling pieces of glass embed themselves into my feet as I walked over to my desk and pulling out three envelops. I had kept these written out, they explained everything to my mother, to Nick and to Liam, they deserved to know everything, I even edited them on Sunday when I returned home. I never expected to use them, I never wanted to use them but it was too late to think about that now. I went back to my place on the floor, laying back onto the shards of glass and allowing myself to fall asleep.

I woke up to the sound of my mother crying, I sat up from my place on my bed, even though I was sure I had fallen asleep on the floor. I saw my mother cradling a lifeless body in her arms that when I realized I had in fact died, I was seeing my mum hold my dead body. It took three minutes to release her hold on me, so she could call for an ambulance and when the paramedic felt for my pulse, then announced I was a DOA, my mother fell to the floor and screamed again. The paramedics put my body on a gurney and started to take me out of my house, I followed them, not being able to watch my mother anymore. The medics had been kind enough to place a white blanket over my body, so when they pulled me out my house no one would see my face. Once outside, I saw Louis standing on his front porch with his friends, a confused look on his face and all I could think was: good, be confused, you arse. 

Time sped forward and I was in Nick’s house, in his bedroom as he was talking into the phone. “Hello? Anne? Anne, you have to…Harry is what? Anne, no…No…Please, no. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” Nick threw his cell phone at a wall and broke, then he grabbed his bedside lamp and threw it at the floor. “Harry, why? Why the fuck would you do this to me?” I flinched at Nick words, what did my suicide have to do with him, it was my decision? I watched as Nick destroyed his entire room, before I was magically transported into Liam’s room. Where I saw a cocoon of a body, it was wrapped up tightly, not even a head was peaking out.

“Liam, baby, you have to come out in eat or at least, talk to someone. Honey, Harry wouldn’t want…”

“YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT HARRY WOULD HAVE WANTED!” My eyes grew wide, Liam never curse, not even once since I met him. Now, he was cursing so violently at his mother, the woman he loved so dearly, with such a hateful look on his face. “Harry was my friend, my best friend, you barely knew him! You don’t know what he went through; you don’t know a God damn thing!” I was so shocked, like if I was alive, it would have taken my breath away. Liam would never EVER say such a thing, he couldn’t even be mean to Louis after everything, he was just too nice. I watch Liam cocoon himself again, hiding his head as he began to sniffle, before he started to sob. “Harry…what would you have wanted me to do?” I would want him to be happy, I always wanted Liam and Nick to be happy, why was everyone so sad? 

I went to my own funeral a week later; I stood in the front by the casket, watching as many crying people came up to look at me. A lot of kids from my school had came, Louis didn’t come though, it didn’t surprise me to be honest. Most of the kids from my school were people who stopped talking to me, people who watched as Louis beat me up, watched as he tortured me. Nick and Liam spoke, they told stories about me and Liam sang my favourite song, it made me cry. My mum spoke about all my problems, about the bullying, about my self harming and about my homosexuality. She spoke about how happy she was to have had a son like me, I made her proud with everything I did and how she wished she could have seen how I would grow up. I didn’t allow her that, I took the easy way out and I feel now as though I had let many people down. I should have talked to someone, I should have let people know what I was feeling or thinking, I shouldn’t have jumped into this. I don’t want my mother to be sad, I don’t want Liam to be different, I don’t want Nick to blame himself. I want them to be happy, they are my family and they do not deserve to feel this way. “Harry, love, can you hear me? Honey, your eyelashes are fluttering, can you hear mum?” Mum? Why did she sound like she was next to me? She was standing in front of my grave, why was she saying my eyelashes were fluttering? I closed my eyes and slowly opened them again, my vision was blurry but I made out the of the shape of my mother. “Harry! Oh thank goodness, you are finally awake, baby.” My eyes started to focus, I realized I was in a hospital and I listened as the doctor explains why I was here. Apparently, after Nick gathered me into his arms and pressed kisses to my forehead, I had passed out. I had hit my head on the ground and went into a coma because of my anorexia; I had been in a coma for two weeks. Everything had been a dream: Louis didn’t beat me up; I didn’t kill myself; I didn’t have a funeral, I was still alive. I turned my head away from my mother and saw a sleeping Louis; he was curled up tightly in an arm chair, snoozing away. “He’s been here everyday since you were admitted, he goes to school, stays here until the nurses kick him out, it’s quite cute really. Jay and I are just glad you boys are getting along again. I have to head to work now, baby, but Louis should be up soon because the nurses come in to check on you at six o’clock and wake him up.” I nodded my head a little bit as she kissed my forehead, once she left the room, I looked over at Louis again. Why was he here? Did our days together really change his mind of me? Were we together?

“Ha-harry..ahh…” Louis whimpered out and I chuckled, I guess I would find out when Louis woke up but anything was better then being dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always welcomed! :) <3


End file.
